Let me preface this by saying I really don't like confessional type blog posts. They are lauded as being "so totally honest man" but I feel like they are exactly the opposite. In hypocritical style, this is going to be one of those posts. I'll save it as a draft and likely delete it later. Or maybe I'll post it and spend the rest of my life regretting it like I do the few other woe is me statements I've made on my blog. Marvin the Paranoid Android, indeed.
I warn you, that this will be rambling and likely non-sensical and I don't expect a response or help, just an ear I guess, or an eye in the case of the internet.
Deep breath. I've been feeling a little down lately. This makes me somewhat paranoid because depression runs in the family and I'd rather not go down that road. It started in the fall. I'll ignore it for weeks at a time and then I'll have a sad introspective day and then I'm back to being "fine" again. I think I'm lonely. If you know me at all, which I think most people really don't, being lonely is a weird thing for me. I have always been an introvert (I'm drained by people rather than recharged by them) who doesn't give a shit about what anyone else thinks of me and can go a long time being friend's with no one other than my husband. Limey has always been the social one, the people pleaser. We seem to have reversed roles somewhat.
Right now you're thinking "you're husband works all the time and you don't drive, of course you're lonely." But that's actually nothing new. Limey has always been a workaholic. When we lived in Ottawa he was gone for weeks at a time. Honestly, I feel like if I was back in Thunder Bay, or Ottawa, socializing more would solve this feeling, but here in the Valley I don't think it will.
When I'm hanging out with people here, I feel like I'm just hovering about on the periphery of other people's friendships. Like people are humouring me. Friends, but not FRIENDS. I'm under the impression that there's a subtle clique thing going on under the friendly, tolerant surface. I'd heard about it when we first moved here but now I'm actually feeling it. In the emotional part of my brain, however, I'm still going to make it about me. Self esteem is obviously a player in this. I spent the awkward puberty phase suffering from several health issues and being called various derogatory terms by my mother's boyfriend. Social phobia and all the drama of highschool didn't help. By the time I met Limey, I had pretty much withdrawn completely into my shell and was convinced that if anyone ever asked me out, it would be as a joke. He had to ask me out twice before I realized he was serious.
I've managed to keep most of that social anxiety dead and buried since then but here I am feeling it again and I honestly don't know what to do about it. Is it all in my head? I'm I the only one that feels like this? Or am I just too loud, opinionated and repellant? Limey thinks getting my driver's license would solve it all, but will it really?
I don't freakin know. Rereading this post just makes me tired and frankly, completely over myself. I think I'll stop thinking so hard and go back to ice mode, it's easier and less depressing.
Tomorrow I'll be back to posting pictures of kittens and rainbows. I promise.